My attempt at acceptance.

I know a lot of you are aware of the fact that I have had some health issues going on the last month. With the exception of a very few people, nobody really knows the details. I am going to try to make this long story as short as possible. But I feel that finally talking about it (writing it) is my attempts at finally accepting it. ...

To back track... for the last few years (I'd say at least 5) I have had high blood pressure. When I say high blood pressure, I mean stroke level on a regular/daily basis. I was on medication for it, however the medicine I was taking apparently was not the right medicine for me. And really I honestly had no signs and symptoms. I functioned perfectly at this level. Every time I would go to my primary care doctor, even if for something else, my blood pressure would be high and all she would say is "Are you taking your medicines?" and as long as I said  "yes" she would basically be like, well "maybe this is just your normal" or "maybe you just function at this level". Now, being a health care professional and knowing what my levels were (for those of you that know blood pressure: 145/125 was my average on a regular basis) I should have spoken up. I should have questioned her. However I trusted her and thought maybe there was such a thing as just having a higher norm then some people. I regret this completely.

Now to what's been going on recently....

A few months ago I noticed my vision was getting worse and worse. I was having double vision, blurred vision, headaches, having to hold something right up to my face to read it, etc. I really remember noticing during football season.We have a 70" TV and I realized I had to start asking the score because I could no longer read them. And same thing with the TV guide. I had to stand right in front of the TV in order to read any words on the screen. Now, at the time, I just assumed I just needed glasses and that my eyes were getting bad. Well at the time, out of complete selfishness, I decided to put off getting my eyes checked because I felt I was way too busy with planning the wedding and of course knew I did not want to walk down the aisle in glass (again, pure selfishness).

Well needless to say, the wedding came and gone and about a month ago, by the time they eventually got my insurance fixed to my new name,  I finally got an eye appt. set up. I went in on a Friday afternoon after work assuming I was just going in for a regular eye exam and that they were going to prescribe me some glasses. That was not the case. The eye doctor did every test possible, and no matter what strength of lens he put on me, he could not correct my left eye. It is 20/400. I am legally blind in my left eye. He decided to take some pictures and see what was going on. In doing this he found all types of bruises, swelling and broken blood vessels behind my left eye. There was very minimal damage to my right eye. (The only reason I am still able to function and see as somewhat good as I do is because my brain is taking over as well as my right eye). This damage was caused because of my blood pressure. It is called hypertensive retinopathy. This is when the eye doctor sent me to the emergency room. There was where I got an EKG and CatScan done and luckily we were able to determine that I did not hit stage 4 of the disease. Stage 4 affects the kidneys and heart beside just the eyes. I also was immediately put on multiple IV medications to include a new blood pressure medicine. My blood pressure dropped to normal levels within hours of being on this new medicine.

The ER doctor referred me to an eye specialist for follow up...

I was able to get in with the eye specialist the following Monday. He again did some tests and some more pictures. Both the eye specialist and the ER doctor both explained it to me that my vision would eventually come back. They both made it seem as though as long as I got my blood pressure controlled (which it is now), the swelling would go down on its own. They said this could take a month or it could take 6 months or longer....

So that rest of the week passed...

 The hardest part for me, at the time, was just nights. When I'm laying there trying to go to sleep I sit and play the "what if game". What if I never made that eye appt? What if I had gotten pregnant before we could have fixed this? What if something worse happened? I know its bad to think like that, but I couldn't help it. So I was having a severe case of insomnia and anxiety...

 Then the night of Easter Sunday happened. I ended up in the ER again. Come to find out I was just having a panic attack, but at the time that is not what it felt like. So my husband took me in because he was scared of how I was acting... I had never had a full on panic attack like that before, and I can honestly say I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

.Well I had already had a doctors appt. scheduled for the following morning with a new primary care anyways (Because needless to say I was definitely not going back to my old one). So I not only talked to her about the blood pressure issues and eye issues, but let her know about the panic attack from the night before. She wanted to start treating me for anxiety and I told her no way. She thinks it is definitely just situational. As she put it. First I was already going through a big life change getting married and trying to start a family. Then to be told I had a possibly life threatening risk happen to me has got to be traumatic. So she prescribed me Xanax just as needed... Again, I still did not want to admit I needed Xanax but I listened to what she had to say...

So sometime passes and I feel like I'm slowly starting to get a little bit more calm at night....

I followed up with my eye specialist again, hoping for some good news. Well not so much. He said the swelling in my right eye had pretty much gone down all the way (again it was minimal to begin with anyways). He said there was absolutely no change in my left eye what so ever. So he referred to me another eye specialist (a retina specialist to be exact). This appt. was on a Monday and I wasnt able to get into the next specialist until the following Wednesday...

The Thursday after the Monday appt. my grandparents got into a very serious car accident. (They are, thank God, out of the hospital now and doing fine however at the time it was yet again a lot more for me to take in) Again I went back to the not sleeping and wondering "what if's"..

So finally the Wednesday comes where its time to see the new eye specialist... He did his tests that he had to do. They put an IV in me with basically food coloring so they could see the paths of my arteries and veins. It was determined I have a blocked vein in my left eye, which is why even though my blood pressure was getting better, the swelling was still not getting better. (and for those of you that know what a stroke is, this blocked vein literally means I had an eye stroke which I did not even know existed until now). So this doctor informed me I had to get an injection in my eye for the medicine for this. Yes he literally came at me with a long needle and stuck it in my eye ( yes i was obviously numb however awake and could still see the process). He also informed me that only about 45% people get their vision back after something like this. And that is assuming, we caught it with enough time that there was no permanent damage to my retina or optic nerve. (I will see him again this Wednesday to take more pictures to see if the injection helped the swelling at all and to see where we need to go from here)...

This whole appt. was traumatizing for me and definitely not something good for the anxiety I was already having...

Needless to say the anxiety and insomnia got worse...I was having panick attacks followed by insomnia and staying up until 4 AM then my alarm for work was going off at 515 AM...

This past Friday, was the first time I actually felt like I was having an attack during the day. As soon as I got out of work, I went straight to my primary care doctor. Needless to say this time, when she wanted to treat me for anxiety, I let her. So I now take a daily medicine as well still need to take the Xanax as needed if I feel an attack coming on..

As I explain to her, and to a few others. The hardest for me that I am struggling with right now is acceptance and also the fact that I can not control it. For those of you that know me, I am a very definite Type A personality. Very loud and outgoing, always have a plan, always in control, possibly a little OCD, etc. The hardest part for me with all of this, is that I am no longer in control. I hate to use the word embarrassing, but that is really the only way I can describe it. I am learning new ways so that I don't have to only depend on the medicine, to try to control my breathing and calm me down before full panic attacks come on. But when I feel it coming on, especially like tonight when I was at dinner with my in laws, it was truly embarrassing for me and only made the situation worse. This is when I realized I was no longer in control.

I am past the point of being emotionally and physically drained. On top of all this anxiety, dealing with a possibly permant life change, and the insomnia, I have still been waking up and going to work. I talked with my manager today, and we both agreed it would be best for me to take some time off. I don't go back to work until Friday. I am hoping with this time off, I can catch up on sleep since I wont have alarms going off an hour and a half after I finally fall asleep. (In the last 6 days, I have gotten less then 15 hours of sleep)...

I am truly hoping my doctor is right and that it is due to all the trauma and life changes of the last month. I need to learn that I'm not in control anymore. This is very hard for me. I guess really I just need to accept what is going on right now and try to take all in. God is in control now. I also have to remind myself that it could be worse...

I am sure this was long and boring for most of you (if anyone even read it), but I feel like talking about is the first step in accepting it.

I don't want sympathy from anyone either. Prayers and well wishes would be greatly appreciated, but definitely not sympathy.

In closing, I am reminding myself, I am not in control of this, but that is okay. I am learning to accept this new and hope with time this will all get under control...